What happened to me on March 22.
Once upon a time there was a girl who did not get enough sleep. Because she was so tired, she had coffee in the morning but it did not perk her up very much. She went through the entire day half asleep; listening to trials, talking to friends, even driving in her car.
This girl had to go to internship on a boring Thursday afternoon and since she was practically asleep, she decided to go get coffee at Starbucks. So she went in an ordered a coffee frappaccino light but the barista informed her that they were out of the light. She got frustrated and decided she still needed coffee so she got a cappuccino. She drank it even though she burned her tongue and it gave her energy. So at internship, she was having a good day and talking to her mentors and having fun. At four o' clock, the girl's mentor said she was ready to do the coffee talk. The girl knew it was called a coffee talk but she did not think that her mentor would actually want to go get coffee. So, they drove to a nearby Starbucks and went to order. They both wanted the same thing, a mocha frappaccino light. But, to her surprise, a different Starbucks was again out of the light base! Both the mentor and the girl looked at each other and did not know what to do but they eventually decided to get a regular one. So, the girl interviewed her mentor and they had a fun time talking about work, boys, the gym and food. After the interview was over, the girl went home.
On her drive home, the girl was feeling unusually hyper. Suddenly, it occurred to her that she had had three caffeinated drinks that day, one with chocolate on it! That was not good because she knew she would not be able to sleep. When the girl got home, she had all this useless energy so she decided to go to the gym. As she was getting ready, she was running up and down the stairs, forgetting her shorts upstairs and her shoes downstairs. She was singing and jumping and running, never walking, singing “I’m not gonna get sleep tonight…I’m not gonna get sleep tonight!” The girl suddenly stopped as she was filling a water bottle. She knew she was weird but she never thought she was that weird. Then she thought to herself, oh well, and continued singing.
She worked really hard at the gym, running really hard to try to burn off some energy, but it did not really work.
When she got back from the gym, she worked until about ten o’clock finishing her honors essay. She worked and worked, typing and talking really fast because of her three caffeinated drinks. When she was done, she watched Grey’s Anatomy and was really into it. When it was over, she was not tired AT ALL! By that time it was about eleven, late for her on a school night. She was hyper, talkative and did not want to go to sleep. She kept talking and talking about pointless stuff and her dad kept listening with full interest.
It was midnight, the girl knew she had to get up in six hours and fifteen minutes to go to school but she still could not go to sleep. However, she made herself get in bed. Once lying down, the girl just laid there, doing nothing, for a long time, because she could not fall asleep. She knew she would regret this in the morning.
Eventually she fell asleep. The alarm actually woke her up in the morning, something that normally does not happen; usually she wakes up a few minutes before it goes off. Anyways, she wakes up and wants to go back to sleep. But she can't. She has to take a shower. She was right though, she regrets going to bed late. She is so tired now so what does she do? She has more coffee.
2 comments:
Eddy comment:
I like that you were able to use comedy in a discreet way that was still effective. The plot was good and definitely show developments. Work on more sensory visuals because the story goes really fast, which might be appropriate. Leave the fast progression for later because you dont get hyper until later. Other than that, fix your LOCs.
Shayna-
I really enjoyed your story, it was entertaining and easy to read. I like the way you start the story off tired. When I was reading it I could sense the tiredness. I also really like the way you ended it. It makes the reader want to know how the character gets out of the vicious cycle of caffeine.
So far your story is really strong but I think there are a few things you can change. I think you should either change your beginning to make it more of a “hook,” or go along with a fairy tale theme. You could maybe make it like a modern day fairy tale, with caffeine as a sort of “spell.” Just a thought.
I think your story needs dialogue to break it up from all of the text. Maybe have a conversation with your mentor and your dad. Also, maybe add some sensory details. Was the starbucks crowded? How did the regular taste? Did things around you seem different since you were tired?
I like the way the story is simple and easy to read. Maybe look over your word choice and make it more diverse. For example you say fun twice in the second paragraph.
As far as the list goes…
Going over the list:
Good word choice- I think you should read over your work and change it around to make more diverse
Detailed/sensory- the story is detailed but it needs some more sensory details (see above)
Dialogue- lacking dialogue (see above)
Message/Point/surprise- I think the end sums the story up and it has a good point/message
Catch/Hook- mentioned above
Development/build up- I love the way you build up the story. At first I was confused why you were talking about coffee and it made me want to keep on reading.
Interesting- I like your story and I found it to be entertaining
Stick to genre- I found this story to be funny and ironic. If this is not what you’re going for then maybe you should try to change it.
LOC- I didn’t see any major LOC corrections but I’ll look over it when you revise.
One last note, you mention the trial and internship. If you were not from this class you would not know exactly what you mean.
Overall good job Shayna. I felt your story is very strong and with a few changes it will be almost perfect. I hope these suggestions help. If you have any questions on what I said feel free to ask me.
-Madison
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