Over the course of last year and over the summer, a foreign exchange student named Vinny came and enrolled at High Tech High International. Vinny was Brazilian and would always talk about Brazil and the girls and most of all soccer. Soccer was the main sport in Vinny’s home town Rio De Janeiro. He was also very funny and as soon as he came, he started hanging out with Colin, Michael and Sean; members of the High Tech High baseball team. In doing so, Vinny became convinced that he should play. He would later tryout and make the High Tech High JV team. Vinny knew as well as everyone else that soccer was his sport; not baseball.
But Vinny was quite the character. He would come to games out of uniform, late, and with something to eat; a cardinal rule in baseball. But when it came to game time, Vinny would try his hardest. For most of the year he would play left field. There were many times when a ball would be hit to Vinny and he would freeze up; totally stiff and the ball would go right past him. I think Vinny just thought too much but trying to take every ball on a bounce; never charging. But Vinney was even worse at the plate.
Vinny, in my opinion, thought too much at the plate as well. He had an awkward swing; always lunging for the ball and not waiting for the ball to come to him. His approach was swing at the first pitch, watch the second and swing at the third. His style of play was very unorthodox as well as he but none the less, Vinny always tried hard.
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2 comments:
The story is very interesting. It is very funny to see that you were talking "bad" about this Vinny guy which i'd probably do the same thing about others but it is very hilarious and I think that you need more to it. what is the point of this?x
Conrad, this story is interesting. I like the moral and the message that it sends; to always try hard. However, it seems like all you do is talk bad about Vinny. Its just like you are critiquing his every move and honestly, it makes you seem kind of arrogant(SORRY) and I know you are not really like that. Now, I see how this is what you meant to do because it goes with the end, but I think you need to keep bringing up the fact that he still tried hard all the time.
I dont really know what to say actually. A lot of the things did not make sense. You said something like "cardinal rule in baseball"...what was a cardinal rule in baseball? I think you definitely need to re-read your story a few times, OUTLOUD, and make sure everything makes sense. Remember that the readers do not know Vinny. You did a good job explaining him but I think you should do more of it because we need to know more.
Overall though, I like your story because of the message. Work on the portrayal of Vinny and it will be good. Also, it does not seem like the story has a point. Think of why you wrote it. Was it because you want to show people Vinny was bad at baseball? Was it because you want to show you know a lot about baseball? What? Try to incorporate your answer to that in your story.
PS: Fix your LOCs...you need a lot of commas.
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