So there I was, in the middle of a trench, somewhere in Belgium. I looked towards my feet and saw bloody, dismembered body parts all around me. I looked up across the field in front of me and saw rotting bodies and rusted weaponry. The faint sounds of machine gun fire and artilerry launches sounded in my head. I could not tell if these sounds wer real or if they were just implanted in my head forever.
I awoke to my commanding officer yelling "Let's go, boys! We're movin' out!" I got up to move, realizing I had hardly moved in weeks. As I took my first steps out of the trench, I felt a searing pain in my feet. I remembered Davis telling me about trenchfoot a few months back, when we first landed in Belgium. He said when you sit in trenches for weeks, then try to run, the outer layers of skin on the bottoms of your feet will rip off in big chunks. I wasn't sure if this was what I was experiencing, but it felt like hell.
As we ran through the trenches to make a line against the Germans, I found Davis in the ranks of soldiers.
"Trenchfoot! Is this what I'm feeling?", I yelled.
"Probably.", he replied.
We came to our destination, a line of sandbags behind our enemy. I was sitting down, my back to the wall of sandbags, a rifle in my hand. I pushed myself up and turned around, looking for a target for my crosshairs. Bullets clanged off a metal pole several feet away from me. More bullets whizzed by me head. I ducked down, heart pounding in my throat. I did not have time to be scared. I turned 'round once again to fire, and the recoil from the gun slammed against my shoulder. I looked out to see where my own bullets had gone, and was surprised to see that I was looking up at a plain, white ceiling. Apparently, I had dreamed it all. I was back at home, in Delaware. The date was June 18, 1920. World War I was over. It was all over. I wasn't in Belgium. I was in Delaware..
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2 comments:
your ending sucks so much.
Hey Dario! Great story. I'm a big fan of war stories. Here's a few suggestions.
In the first paragraph, you have a tiny typo (look for wer - should be were) and the last part of it (refering to the war noises in your head) should be considered for revision. It sounds a little choppy or less powerful than the rest of the paragraph. What it's saying, however, is really great so don't get rid of it.
The second paragraph does a good job of bringing trenchfoot into the story. You might want to play around with the placement of "realizing I had hardly moved in weeks" maybe putting it in the next sentence or even later.
When the character finds Davis, is he moving into formation next to him? It seems like this statement is incomplete.
Punctuation stays inside the quotes, no commas afterwards.
You should think about adding a tiny bit more to Davis' statement. The brief and gruff affirmation seems almost too abrupt, even for the effect you are trying to go for.
I love this last paragraph. The ending is terrific. However, I think it needs to be a little less abrupt. Maybe make that realization a different paragraph as a sign of development. Other than that, fantastic. Keep it up.
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