Part I
I feel religion doesn’t really fit who I am. I do not like feeling rejected by every single organized religious group. I do not mind having my own beliefs, but I wish there was a way for me to express them without constantly being criticized. I do not mind when people disagree with me, that is a non issue, but it’s when people feel compelled to tell me my beliefs are wrong; that is what gets to me.
Part II
Welcome to San Diego, America’s finest city. Come here as a tourist, and you will see the beaches, the restaurants, the zoo, the weather, the city life, and the harbor. What is it like to actually live here? One has to remember that San Diego is isolated by Camp Pendleton, the ocean, Mexico and the desert. This isolation creates unique regional views on life, entertainment and politics. In San Diego communities, there has been the development of the village concept that is currently prevailing. The village concept is seen in La Mesa, Logan Heights, La Jolla, Kensington, City Heights and numerous other communities. This encourages individual community pride and development. This reflects that each individual community has unique elements that are for the betterment of the whole community, such as San Diego.
Part III
I was born August 3, 1990 the eldest of two children. My family is comprised of my father, mother, brother, and myself. I guess you can say we are a “typical” American family, we even have the white picket fence. My parents are hard working individuals both at work and at home. My parents are always thinking of new ways to bring our family together. We don’t feel “dinner talk” is enough time to really be with one another.
Our family beliefs are to always stay open-minded and support each other. Yet we are still able to have strong and different opinions which we are willing to share. We believe that hard work should be rewarded. We have a strong family connection. We try to have a family vacation at least twice a year and we all discuss where or what we want to do. We have meaningful relationships with our relatives on both sides of the family.
Examples of support would be that both my parents are interested in what my brother and I do in school. My brother plays baseball and we go to his games. We do activities together such as horseback riding and bicycling. We stay in close contact with my grandparents. My grandmother lives in Iowa and we visit there every summer. She comes to California at least four times per year. My other grandparents live in San Diego County and we see them every week. This is a great way for all of us to stay close and connected.
Part IV
When I was younger I loved to play jump rope. Every game of jump rope that was invented was played by my friends and me. Everyday during recess we would have jump rope competitions. One of my favorite games was Help!. This game had a chant where you say: Capital H, e, l, p, over and over again until the jumper messes up. If they messed up on a Capital H they had to jump high wire. This is where the rope turners turned the rope really high so you had to strain to keep your feet from tangling in the rope. If you landed on e, you had to have your eyes closed; l meant the rope was going to go lightning fast so you better keep up. And p, meant party, all of the spectators would jump in.
Part V
The person I most feel inspired by is my mother. She is optimistic about life and very supportive of me. She has taught me to try hard and stay healthy. She has a sort of positive ora and if any of her friends or family are feeling a bit depressed, my mother can always cheer them up. There are “takers” and there are “givers” in our world and my mother is definitely a giver. I believe there is real benefit for everyone if we had more people around that we could consider givers. I hope to be like my mother.
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2 comments:
1. I like the thought process that takes place. You develop instead of just bluntly talking at the reader.
HOC: I would try to work on your intro sentence. Keep the message the same, I like it, but make it more concise and interesting. Like I said, the individual little thoughts are good, but work on the flow of it all. Connect those thoughts.
LOC: You say "I do not" in three sentences in a row. Switch it up and use contractions. Try reading your stuff out loud as if you were talking to someone. When it sounds like you're telling a good story, you will have some awesome informal, yet meaniningful writing. The last sentence is a bit long and I think you have a grammar error in there, try changing the last part of it to something like: "but people feeling compelled to shoot down my beliefs is what gets to me."
2. Awesome intro sentence here Madison. It grips the reader and connects to the real world with 7 words.
HOC: You ask: "what is it like to actually live here?" and answer it with the communities idea, but that's just part of the answer. If you read over it, it just seems like the end is incomplete. Talk about other elements of life in SD and finish up the paragraph. Also, would you say stuff like "numerous other communities" if you were really talking? That formal writing sneaking in makes it seem like it isn't as true to yourself as it could be.
LOC: While the first half is excellent, the second needs some grammatical work. Try changing "In San Diego communities, there has been the development of the village concept that is currently prevailing. The village concept is seen in La Mesa, Logan Heights, La Jolla, Kensington, City Heights and numerous other communities." to: "The city recreated itself into a colorful collection of small villages like La Mesa, Logan Heights, La Jolla, and Kensington." In the last sentence, eliminate the whole such as San Diego thing and talk about it directly. Something like: Here, despite individual pride, each community offers something to the whole.
3. The first 1/3 of the paragraph is great writing, I like the white picket fence line, and the rest of it can easily become it with some work on the flow.
HOC: The paragraph is connected by the fact that it talks about your family, but the sentences are very isolated from each other. Read it aloud to see that it can get choppy in parts. Connect ideas with compound sentences and maybe add in some larger stories that illustrate some of the points about family unity you're trying to make.
LOC: You don't have any grammar mistakes here because you play it safe with those small sentences. Mixing sentence length ultimately makes a piece more interesting.
4. I like the jumprope example, solid childhood game for the readers to relate to.
HOC: The only suggestion I can make for this paragraph is that you conclude it somehow. Not necessarily with the stereotypical conclusion sentence like: that is why I loved jumprope. Possibly an idea that ties it back into your main message in part one.
LOC: There aren't any actual grammatical errors that I can see, but something I would change is the use of 'this'. Try simple changes like "this game" to "it" and eliminate "this is where" altogether (just start that sentence with "the rope turners"). Later in that same sentence, change "so you had to strain" to "so that you had to strain." That's all I could find here.
5. I like the honesty, but a couple specific memories from your childhood where your mom really helped you and, in a seperate memory, helped someone else, would give it more depth.
HOC: The same problem of short, blunt sentences comes up in this paragraph. Adding in those stories between existing sentences to describe your statements will really help to fix it up.
LOC: Switch "most" and "feel" in the first sentence. "Ora" is actually spelled "aurora," no matter how weird that looks. The last sentence, "I believe there is real benefit for everyone if we had more people around that we could consider givers," should be changed to something like: "I believe that we would all benefit from having more givers in our lives." You could also add something like "when I grow up" to the end of the last sentence.
Overall Suggestions:
I like your main idea and you individual paragraphs, but they seem very disconnected. If you look at some of the other autobiographies, you'll see that the big issue they bring up in the first part is intertwined throughout the other parts. Relating your past experiences and your life that you introduce through parts 2-5 to how you came to be in your situation today will make it much more meaningful. I liked your writing, hope some of these suggestions will help.
Alex
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