Section 1:
I like it when all the attention is on me. For example, when I have Bible studies at home, I always like to talk so that everyone is listening to me. Also, I think it's similar when I'm riding the public bus I am usually really loud and I really like it when people stare at me. Most of the time I don't do it on pupose but I think it just comes up naturaly. I like to talk and I want people to listen to me and some people think that it is just who I am.
When people do stare at I feel like everyone has their divided attention on me and it feels good. It makes me feel good, I guess.
Section 2:
San Diego for me is like a huge stage for me; every single part of it. When I'm walking down a busy and noisy street I just feel like breaking into a song or dance. Watching a movie at the local theater, it makes me feel like I want to be in the movie so that people can see me. Every corner of this city is like being part of a distant world where image is everything, and yet it can destroy you. A world where everything you do is far from reality. A world where all people want is "plastic" dreams and every person is witnessing your rise to your fantasy fame.
Section 3:
I was born on September 30th, 1989. I really like my birthday because I feel really special. Not everyone knows this, except for Stephanie, but I was born "dead". The doctors told my mom that they had to jump start my heart and luckily they succeeded. My mom would have given her life so that I could be live.
I guess that when a parents have their first baby born they are really excited. So I guess my parents spoiled me a lot because I was first the first born. They expected a lot from and I guess they got really disapointed in me because I started acting up in middle school. I love my mom a lot. And I know it may sound cheesy but I do. She has been through a lot and I love her because of it.
Section 4:
During my child hood times, I never was like the other kids. I did like playing with the local neighborhood kids but I think I was bossy and mean. I remember my sister saying that I would always had to be the best at every single game that we played, and if I lost, I would literaly throw a fit! I think that sometimes I would get in trouble because I would always get into fights with my "frenemies", and their moms used to come up to my mom saying "Your son nearly killed little 'Billy'!" Maybe that is why I am still mean to people and I try to be nice but I just can't help it.
Section 5:
Every one says, "My idol is Audrey Hepburn or Elvis Presley or some other famous person"; not me. My idol defitnetly has to be my mom. She has been through a lot and I love her because of that. My parents went through a rough time. I really don't like talking about it but basically my dad was with some other "person" while still married with mom. I was so frustrated at him and I did everything that I could to help my mom and let her know that we (my sister and I) were always going to be there for her no matter what.
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2 comments:
Section 1:
HOC:
I liked how you gave a lot of examples but you should explain more about how it makes you feel. How do you feel when you are being looked at and listened to? Talk about that and make it longer. Also, why do you like to be the center of attention? Explain that you are an extroverted person and you like to laugh loud too.
LOC: Your paragraph is good because you talk about the same thing and all the sentences go together, but try to make them flow better. You kind of transition from the Bible Study to the bus right away. So maybe say "the bus is the same for me. I like to have people look at me..." (By the way, capitalize "I'm" in all paragraphs.)
Section 2:
HOC: I LOVE this paragraph. It's hilarious and very well written. All of your sentences go together and it all makes sense.
LOC: Change the first sentence to this: "San Diego is one big huge stage for me; every part of it." In the third sentence, put a comma after "street." In the fourth sentence, take away the comma after theater and delete the word "it." The part where you say "yet it can destroy you.", is confusing, I don't really understand it. What do you mean by that? When you say "a world where everything you do..." What is a world where everything you do is far from reality? A street corner?
Section 3:
HOC: This is a really good paragraph, it shows your soft side. I like that you tell a deep secret you have; about you being born dead. Maybe you could explain your feeling a little more though.
LOC: In the second sentence, take away one of the "really's." In the third sentence, take away "except for Stephanie", it makes the sentence sound weird. Then in the fifth sentence, change it to "My mom said...". In the sixth sentence, take away "born." In the seventh, take away "So I guess". In the eight, also take away "I guess". In the ninth sentence, change it to "they expect a lot from me." When you say you love your mom a lot, I think it would sound better if it said "I know it sounds cheesy but, I love my mom a lot. Other than those simple changes, this is a really good paragraph.
Section 4:
Finish section 4 and 5 and you'll be good!
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