Friday, March 23, 2007

madeleine - story

There was once a man I knew who used to beg for money on the corner of 5th and Broadway. He had an old guitar that he got from an old pawn shop that no one was really sure how old it was or even where it came from. If you asked the man, he probably wouldn't know either. But as much as he played his guitar people payed no attention to him, but his existence was a meek one so he silently sang the words to himself while playing his beloved guitar.
About a few years ago another beggar man came and started to ask for money across the street from the beggar guitarist. But unlike most beggars in the area, he had a set of bongo drums that he loved to play. He liked to keep the origin of his drums a secret, telling curious passerby that he attained them in a tragic adventure while in Africa, but he really found them one night in an abandoned alleyway. He played so well, but like the guitarist beggar but not very many people paid attention to him so he played to himself and sang the words quietly to himself.
These two beggars were so good that many people who would give them money couldn't decide between them, and so for a long time neither one got any money. One crisp autumn morning the guitarist beggar woke up to find the drummer next to him, playing. Except for an initial shock of surprise, the man felt nothing, and started playing his guitar. The beggars were so good together that pretty soon people started giving them lots of money to play. Pretty soon other beggar-musicians joined them, and one day a big record company executive stopped in front of the band and liked what he heard. He immediately signed them, and now they tour the world known as CobraStarship.

2 comments:

madeleine said...

not very many sensory details
no clear message
definitely interesting
clear, simple flow
developed nicely

stephanie said...

I really enjoyed your story it had a good flow, and i like the ending. It was actually very creative. Here sre some pointers:

~You need to stop starting sentences with "But"
~There needs to be a better transition with paragraphs.
~Add some sensory details, like what the men looked like or how their music sounded.
~You should add some dialogue in the story, like the two men talking.
~Just look over it once more and I'm sure you'll find ways to improve it.
GOOD JOB MADA!!!!