Once upon a time there was a family that had been out at sea for a whole two months. The family consisted of a mother, a step-father, two older and bratty sisters, and one younger and extremely sweet and angelic sister. Yep thats me!!
Well as you might have guessed this is about my family and what happened on the night of January 5th, as we sailed back into our hometown of Puerto Vallarta. It was about 8 in the evening, everything was cast in the dark shadow of night. The water was calm and and looked like a flat blanket of glass. As we neared the harbor, the smell of salt was quickly overpowered by the scent of seagull droppings. When we were passing by the jetty my dad asked my older sister Kourtney, who was 16 at the time, to go outside and look for the buoy. She quickly fixed her hair and said," A boy?" After correcting her mistake, she promptly went to the bow and kept her eyes peeled.
Five minutes later we hadn't heard from her and we concluded that the crashing of the waves against the rocks was drowning out her voice. So my mom and my sister, Lauren went out to look as well. Two seconds later Lauren ran back and there was a light of humor/fear in her eyes. It looked as if she could burst out in laughter or tears at any moment. In an out of breath voice she yelled," DADDY KOURTNEY IS FALLING OFF THE BOAT!!" He quickly told me to grab the wheel and to keep the compass between 260 and 270 degrees.
I was so excited to finally be able to steer, since the rule in our famil is that when you reach the age of 10 you can finally steer the boat and take shifts. I figured this was my moment to shine in front of Lauren, because she had recently turned that age and I was only 7. Well in my excitement and dreaming of my glory, I somehow manged to turn the boat completely around.
While all this was taking place at the bow of the boat there were even bigger problems. Somehow Kourtney had managed to slip and was hanging from the metal bars on the boat. She was halfway out of the water and her legs were submerged in the icy dark abiss. The main problem was convincing her to let go and grab our dad's hand. After what seemed like an hour but was really only 5 minutes she was brave enough to let go and was pulled up on to the deck. Of course she was histerically crying and in frantically trying to comfort her, everyone forgot about me.
I was of course freaking out, because I didn't know what to do, but rather than yell for help I proceded to steer the boat into what I thought was the right direction. In reality we were just going around in circles. Everyone finally made it back to the cockpit and while my mom praised me for being so grownup and not panicking, my dad took the wheel (a little too roughly I thought) and began to sail the boat back into the bay. When we finally anchored and were all safe and sound we began to recount the events of the night, and we concluded two important things. One, that Kourtney was in desperate need of a boyfriend, and two that I would never be allowed to steer again.
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3 comments:
[Before I edited] Estefanie said that I needed to edit my story because of LOC - grammar, spelling etc.
Loc - "famil" > family
She said she liked the humor in it and my descriptions and details
i really liked this story - it's funny and a truthful one, something that's really hard for most to put on paper. I think that if you're going to say at the end that your sister was in desparate need of a boyfriend that you should put more emphasis on when she thought 'boy' instead of 'buoy'. that would make it a whole lot funnier and would make the story conclude nicely.
also i don't mean to tread on how you saw your sister's emotions, but i think that you should also describe your sister lauren better when she first saw kourtney falling off the boat. this would make your story stronger and support your idea that there was a little bit of calamity in your family (unless yours isn't, but from what i read from the story it kinda sounded like everyone was rushing around and it would be easy to forget about a sibling somewhere else).
good use of sensory details! you used a lot in the beginning i think you could use a little more near the end, and that would really make things a lot funnier (which is what i hope you were aiming for, because it would make a terrible drama. actually i think that it would make a good dramedy, a combination of comedy and drama).
just work on some l.o.c's (i noticed that they were simple misspellings so you could probably just put it in word or something) and use some more impactful words where i suggested (so, yes, this involves going into more detail), and you will be golden!
i really enjoyed this story because you had previously had told me this one. It was fun knowing the details and how it all happened. I also liked the hunor in it such as your sister confusing "buoy" with "boy". other than that it was awesome and a really great story
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